Last week, we described Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club as "the kind of trainwreck it’s easy to look away from."
That may sound hyperbolic, but the show’s first episode was a mess in every sense of the word.
The biggest complaint among viewers was that the premiere episode had very little to do with Lindsay at all.
In fact, it seemed that her name had been used as a hook to help MTV sell Real World: Mykonos to an audience that’s increasingly uninterested in the "sweaty co-eds sexually harass one another" subgenre of reality television.
When Lindsay did appear on camera (usually filmed in extreme soft-focus of course), she flounced onto the scene to pass judgment on young people who’s misbehavior paled in comparison to hers at the same age.
Her goal in appearing on the show (in addition to drawing a much-needed paycheck, of course) seemed to be twofold:
It provided a venue for both advertising her re-invention to the world (Did you know Lindsay meditates twice a day now? Because she’ll happily tell you all about it.), and for further re-inventing herself as a self-described "boss bitch" in the style of Lisa Vanderpump.
Of course, Lisa is 26 years Lindsay’s senior, and with several decades’ experience in the restaurant industry, she’s much better-equipped to handle an unruly staff of wannabe models.
This vast discrepancy of experience and ability was on full display Tuesday night, as Lindsay discovered the hard way that jotting down a bunch of meaningless slogans and boasting that she’s friends with Oprah would not be enough to help her earn the respect of her young staff.
Last week, Lindsay’s lackey Panos berated a female employee for doing exactly what she was told to do (party with guests, get them to spend money), while simultaneously praising a male employee, Brent, for publicly making out with a female customer at what appeared to be about 2 in the afternoon.
This week, Lindsay was shocked when Brent refused to sensuously wipe the feet of an elderly male guest.
"The fact Brent has the audacity to just walk away, is this really happening?" said Lohan.
"This is not the Brent Show, this is Lindsay Lohan. He doesn’t get to do that."
Here’s the thing — when you encourage your employees to incorporate their sexuality into their job responsibilities (as Lindsay and Panos did when they praised Brent for trying to f–k a customer), you can’t be surprised when they’re uninterested in tasks that don’t fit with their proclivities.
So Lindsay and Panos were wrong to come down on Brent for not wanting to wipe a stranger’s feet, as he was never told that such a task would be among his job responsibilities.
That said, dude fully deserves to be sent packing for what happened next.
He previously expressed interest in housemate Sara, but she appears to be more interested in Billy, a co-worker who seems to have been silently shoehorned into the cast just in time for the second episode (which appears to take place several weeks after the first).
Feeling jilted, Brent let loose with the following tirade:
"We are in a house of all ugly girls, they’re all ugly. I’m surrounded by 2s, you’re a 5, maybe a 6, but in the house you’re a 10 because there’s no one else to look at. We’re going to gay clubs, we’re going to clubs with six old men and I needed to nut.
"The fact that Sara has the power is a joke. I don’t even think Sara is that attractive. Honey, if you were coming to Vegas, I wouldn’t look twice to you. Maybe 7 pounds less, I’d talk to her. Now I feel like Sara’s gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe that won’t go away."
Thankfully, the cast responded by dousing Brent in booze, but the fact that he wasn’t immediately sent packing speaks volumes about the culture of this show and the utter lack of f–ks Lindsay has for the integrity of her latest business venture.
Oh, and during all of this, Lindsay was hosting a swanky dinner party, during which a guest compared her to Martha Stewart. (Ed. note: LOLOLOLOL!)
This prompted Lindsay to remark, "I’m not Martha Stewart, I’ve already been to jail."
Ugh. Is Lindsay, 1. still talking about that time she was briefly locked up ten years? and 2. unaware that Martha has been to prison.
We can’t with this show.